Paranoia
by CharlieBrownLover21
Summary: Everytime Sasuke hears his brother's name, he goes a little nuts. Not to mention he is living with Orochimaru and Kabuto. What is really going on in Sasuke's life with Orochimaru living right downstairs? How will he recover from his paranoia?
1. Chapter 1: Game of Life and Toilet Notes

A/N: This is also another wacked up story I decided to write. I LOVE NARUTO! AND CHARLIE BROWN! But sadly...I don't own either...

---

Chapter One: The Game of Life, and Toilet Notes

Orochimaru sat in his room thinking.

How will I make my sandwhich today?

He was going through the choices of peanut butter and jelly, or tuna fish, when Kabuto walked in. He dipped his head.

"Hello, Lord Orochimaru. I've decided what board game we shall play today."

Orochimaru giggled in delight as he saw Kabuto pull out the Game of Life from behind his back. Kabuto always knew his favorites. He jumped up and snatched the game away, setting it down on the floor.

"LETS PLAY RIGHT NOW!!"

Kabuto shrugged and sat down next to him. "Alright."

As Orochimaru began to set up the game, he couldn't help but wonder where Sasuke was. He glanced out the window.

"Where is Sasuke? Is he here?"

Kabuto nodded. "He's up in his room playing the new video game you bought him."

Muahaha... Success...

He grinned. "Perfect. I knew he would love Sims Castaways. I just knew it."

"You are brillaint, my Lord."

"I remember the time when Itachi and I had played that game. We had such a fine-"

Sasuke busted into the room.

"ITACHI?! WHERE?!"

Orochimaru and Kabuto jumped. Rats. He had forgotton about Sasuke's paranoia to his big brother's name. He shook his head, and smiled.

"No, no, Sasuke. Itachi isn't HERE. We were just talking about him, that's all."

Sasuke looked from side to side.

"Are you sure? Cause if he's here, I'm gonna KILL him!"

"Don't worry, my dear little pawn- I mean, uh, Sasuke. The day in which you beat Itachi-"

"AGH! WHERE?!"

Sigh.

"The day in which you beat your brother, will come soon enough. Now, would you like to play Life with Kabuto and I?"

Sasuke looked at Kabuto and scowled. "No thanks. I'm still trying to make Sakura on my game. Why don't they have the option to put on pink hair? I CANNOT MAKE SAKURA WITHOUT IT!!"

Sasuke dashed out the door and down the hallway.

Orochimaru sighed. He was going to have to watch what he said in front of Sasuke. He looked back to the game board and rolled the dice.

"Oh my, Kabuto, look! I've had twins!"

---

Sasuke threw the game control down to the floor. He was tired of playing this stupid game.

How could he go to the next island, if he couldn't make the raft?

Screw that game, anyway.

And screw Kabuto and Orochimaru and their stupid game of Life.

And most of all, screw his brother.

Man, if he ever saw that guy, he was going to kick his ass so hard, he would never be able to go to the bathroom again.

Speaking of bathroom, Sasuke had to go. He made his way down the hall and passed Orochimaru's room.

Damn him for not giving him his own bathroom. He always had to share with them. And whenever he needed to get in there, Kabuto would somehow be there first.

Damn Kabuto and his bladder problems.

And sure enough, when he reached the bathroom, the door was shut, hence, Kabuto.

Sasuke banged on the door. "Hurry up."

There was no answer.

"Hello?"

Nothing.

Sasuke pushed the door open, halfway sheilding his eyes, in case Kabuto hadn't heard him. No way did he need to see a naked Kabuto. That would scar him beyond repair. Not that he hadn't come close to seeing him many times, but he wasn't even going to try and remember those thoughts. Ick.

When the door was all the way open, and there had been no scream from anybody, Sasuke looked around.

No one was there, but on the toilet was a piece of paper, labeled, Sasuke. He slowly picked up the folded sheet and opened it.

Sasuke,  
I just want you to know that I'm here. I could be in this very room for all you know. Hahahaha. You will never kill me.  
Love, Itachi.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!"

A/N: What did you think of the first chapter? Let me know.


	2. Chapter 2: Harassed in a Cheese Store

A/N: If I owned Naruto, Sasuke wouldn't have left the Village.

---

Chapter 2: Sexually Harassed at a Cheese Store

Kabuto heard the scream come from the bathroom. He snickered.

That's what the little brat gets for using my shampoo.

How was he supposed to look good for Orochimaru, if all of his "Come Out of The Closet and Reveal Your Inner Self" shampoo was gone? In fact, why was that boy even using his shampoo? He had his own.

Oh well. Now Sasuke would be even more worried about that stupid brother of his. That was fine. Kabuto didn't care.

A moment later, Orochimaru's voice was heard.

"What on Earth are you screaming about, Sasuke?"

"Orochimaru! He's here! He's here! In the bathroom! In the bathroom!"

"Who's here? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

"I'M GOING TO BURN THE PLACE DOWN, AND KILL HIM!"

"AAAAAAAH! DON'T YOU DARE LIGHT THAT!!"

There was a crashing sound.

"LET GO OF ME! I'LL KILL HIM!"

More sounds of struggling.

"KABUTO! GET THE STRAIGHT JACKET! HURRY!"

He smiled, grabbing a red straight jacket from a drawer.

"Coming, my Lord."

Hmm. Maybe he had caused more trouble than he thought...

---

Orochimaru sighed and collasped onto his bed.

Ah. It was so soft and comfy.

He didn't care if Kabuto thought he was a lazy ass. He deserved some rest after his house was almost burned down by Sasuke.

Man, that boy had some serious problems.

Suddenly Orochimaru shot up in his bed.

"KABUTO! I HAVE DECIDED!"

Kabuto poked his head into the room.

"Decided on what, my Lord?"

"My sandwhich. I want grilled cheese."

God, he was brilliant.

Kabuto gave him the thumbs up. "Alright. I will get started on it right away."

YES!

Kabuto started out of the room, but then stopped. "Oh. Lord Orochimaru, we, uh, have no more cheese."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! WELL WHY THE HELL NOT?!"

Kabuto shrugged. "Sasuke ate a grilled cheese the other night. It must have been the last of it."

THAT TWIRP!

"Well, he is going to buy us some more. SASUKE!"

It was quiet for a moment then...

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?"

How rude!

"Sasuke, you have to go out."

Orochimaru could feel the death glare coming through the wall. "What for?"

Kabuto cleared his throat. "You must go out and get us some cheese. We're out of it."

"HA! GO YOURSELF KABUTO!"

Kabuto gasped. "My Lord!" Orochimaru shook his head.

"Sasuke, you will go, because I need cheese for my grilled cheese sandwhich! AND I NEED IT NOW!"

"SCREW YOUR GRILLED CHEESE SANDWHICH!"

Orochimaru gave a shocked little girl squeal. "HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT ABOUT MY SANDWHICH!"

"BWAHAHA! AND SCREW EVERY SANDWHICH YOU MAKE IN THE FUTURE!"

That's it.

Those bastards kicked him out of the house.

Sasuke had tried to get back in, but they locked every door, baracaded every window. He would have just cut open a door with his katana, but they hid it. He was going to punch his way in, but they threatened to throw his wii out the window. Now, that was all he could take. He loved his wii. He named it Willy Wilson. He loved Willy. Their exact words were:

"YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO COME IN THIS HOUSE IF YOU DON'T BRING ME MY DAMN CHEESE! AND WE WILL KILL WILLY WILSON!"

Those jerks. Threatening Willy like that.

So now he was walking down the street, seven dollars in his pocket on his way to the, "Cheese is All Around You" store.

He had almost had a heart attack in that store once. All he could see was cheese. Cheese on the walls, counter, rack. It's all that store sold, and people even dressed up like pieces of cheese. It drove him to the brink of insanity.

Sasuke finally reached the store and peeked inside.

All he could see was yellow.

All he could smell was cheese.

He rushed back outside. Orochimaru was crazy if he thought he was going to go in there and suffocate from all of the cheese.

But, Willy Wilson...

Sasuke took in a deep breath and walked into the store.

He had to do it.

For Willy.

He didn't waste any time, he pushed past the people in line. "I need Orochimau's normal package please."

This fat chunky monkey in a cheese costume gave him a weird look.

"Sir, you have to wait in line, just like everyone else."

He was about to strangle the man, and demand the cheese when the girl behind him spoke up.

"He can cut me. Hahahaha. I don't mind. Hahaha..."

Dear lord.

"Give me Orochimaru's package, please."

The girl behind him giggled. "Speaking of packages, yours is nice, sexy."

Jeez. He comes in for a pack of cheese, and he gets sexually harassed in return. Great. Just grand.

He put the money onto the counter, as the man reached to a shelf to get the cheese.

"I really am in a hurry."

Suddenly he felt a hand on his ass. He must have jumped three feet into the air.

"HOLY CHEDDER BARS!"

He spun around to face the lady who was blushing.

"Hey. I'm Satsuki."

"Listen lady, keep your hands-"

The owner tapped him on the back. "So you wanted the chedder bars to go with that, sir?"

What the hell? They actually have something called Chedder Bars?

"No, no, just the package. Quickly."

Before I get molested by this crazy chick again.

The man handed him the cheese, and then tried to give him his money back. "Your change?"

Sasuke made a dash for the door. "KEEP IT!"

The girl managed to get to the door before him. "Wait, hottie, don't you want my number?"

"No. Now if you would-"

She crept closer to him. "But we could do a lot of fun things together..."

"I said no. I really have to-"

Suddenly another man jumped in front of him and started singing.

"Would you like Swiss, American, or Chedder? I'd take all three, it's better!"

He tried to edge his way around the dude in the cheese, and the stalker. "I have to go, I'm already late for-"

"Here, just take my number, you can call me tonight."

"But-"

The man shoved cheese in his face.

"Would you like Swiss, American, or Chedder? I'd take all three, it's better!"

"I can't-"

The girl put a piece of paper in his pocket. "Just do it alright?"

"WOULD YOU JUST-!"

"Would you like Swiss, American, or-"

Sasuke shoved passed them, and crashed out the door.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! GET AWAY FROM ME!!!"

Once outside, Sasuke began to walk quickly back to Orochimaru's house. He wanted to get as far away from that store as possible.

Just as he was about to turn a corner. He saw it.

The Akatsuki uniform.

Itachi.

He grit his teeth together and reached for his katana.

When he felt nothing, he began silently cursing Orochimaru and Kabuto for hiding it.

All of the time he would walk the streets with it like a hitman, scaring the hell out of all of the people, even though he didn't need to. But now, when he finally found his brother, he had no weapon. Nothing.

Damn.

As he rushed towards the person who he knew was his brother, he figured that he would have to use the cheese as his weapon.

Man, I suck.

He tackled the man to the ground, and clubbed him over the head with the pack of cheese.

"DIE YOU ASSHOLE! DIE DIE DIE!"

He turned the man around, activating his Sharingan. He expected to see his brother, but the man in the Akatsuki outfit was a man he had never seen before. The man put his hands in front of his face.

"I didn't do it! I didn't do it!"

He must be part of the Akatsuki then.

Sasuke raised the bag of cheese.

"WHERE IS MY BROTHER?!"

"OH DEAR LORD!"

"DON'T PLAY GAMES WITH ME! WHERE?!"

The man let out a little scream.

"Please, I d-don't k-k-know...what y-you're talking-"

Sasuke noticed that a crowd was beginning to form around him and the man. He placed his hand on the guy's throat, ready to do anything to get his answers.

"Where is Itachi? I know I must look familiar. He has the same eyes as I. Where is he?"

The man shook his head again. "Who is that? I don't know any Itachi."

Sasuke gasped and looked around.

"ITACHI?! WHERE?!"

"What?"

Sasuke squeezed the guy's throat. "QUIT SCREWING AROUND! I KNOW YOU'RE PART OF THE AKATSUKI!!"

"OH GOD! DON'T HURT ME! DON'T HURT ME!"

"THEN TELL ME WHERE THE AKATSUKI IS!!"

The man looked confused. "What the hell is an Akatsuki? Is it a brand of cheese?"

This man was going to die.

"DON'T GIVE ME THAT CRAP! YOU'RE WEARING THEIR COAT!!"

He looked at the coat. "THIS?! I got this at the, "Holy Crap! That's a DOLLAR?!" store...

Sasuke stared at the jacket. It was black, just like the Akatsuki's, but instead of red clouds, it had red dots on it.

Dots. Not Clouds.

Not Itachi.

Shit.

A/N: I hoped you like my story so far. I'm writing more as we speak (Speak???) so I might be able to put up the next chapter later. Oh and just in case you were wondering, I made up all of the names of the places (and shampoo) in this story. DO NOT STEAL! Oh and for all of you Kabuto lovers (though there may be very few...including me....cough...cough...) I apologize for making him gay (if you didn't already know I did that) in this story. But hey, that's just the way it is. LOL. 


	3. Chapter 3: Third Degree Murder

A/N: Blahaha! What did I tell you? I have done it! I have completed chapter three! YES! And of COURSE I own Naruto!

(Looks at a Naruto book)

Story and Art by Masashi Kishimoto? Who the hell is that?

(Talks to a friend)

WHAT?! HE'S THE CREATOR OF NARUTO? You mean...I don't...own...Naruto? NOOOO!

---

Chapter 3: Third Degree Murder

Orochimaru looked out his window to see Sasuke walking up to the door. And as far as he could tell, he didn't have anything with him.

That boy was going to get it.

Before running to the door, Orochimaru whispered something to a sound ninja, and the sound ninja walked towards Sasuke's room.

When he got to the door, Sasuke knocked.

"Do you have the cheese, Sasuke?"

"Yeah."

Hmm. I guess he did have the cheese.

Orochimaru opened up the door and stuck out his hand.

"Give me."

The next thing he knew, he was on the floor staring up at Sasuke. The Sharingan was activated.

"Now, now, Sasuke. Don't be rash. Do you...have...the um, cheese?"

Sasuke kicked him. "YOU'RE NOT GETTING SHIT FROM ME!"

Oh come on.

"Then what did you buy?"

Sasuke walked passed him. "I gave it to some hobo."

"YOU DID WHAT?! I WANT MY CHEESE DAMMIT!"

Sasuke spun around, and grabbed him by the throat.

Crap.

"OH YEAH?! WELL THE NEXT TIME YOU THREATEN WILLY WILSON, I'M GONNA KILL YOU! YOU WON'T BE WORRYING ABOUT SOME STUPID CHEESE THEN WILL YOU?! AND IF NEXT TIME YOU WANT CHEESE FROM THAT CREEPY, INSANE STORE, YOU'RE GOING YOURSELF! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!"

Orochimaru began to sweat. This was bad.

Sasuke studied his face. "Why did you suddenly get so nervous?"

Oh god.

Sasuke squeezed his throat tighter.

"WHAT...DID...YOU...DO?!"

Just as he was about to run out of oxygen, Sasuke gasped, and dropped him.

"YOU...DIDN'T..."

He began to race down the hall towards his room.

"I SWEAR OROCHIMARU! I SWEAR!"

Orochimaru tried to get his breath back. He had to get out of here. Fast.

---

Just as Sasuke was about to run up the stairs to get to his room, Kabuto bumped into him.

That jerk was always getting in his way.

Kabuto pushed up his gay ass glasses.

"Oh. Sasuke. You're home. Did you get the- GAH!"

Sasuke shoved him down the stairs. "OUT OF MY WAY YOU GAY WII HATING DUMB-ASS!"

He took only a moment to savor the sound of that idiot crashing down the stairs.

"AAAAAAAAAAAH!! LORD OROCHIMARU! HELP!"

Ah. Pay back's a bitch.

Once satisfied from listening to Kabuto's screams of pain, Sasuke rushed up the stairs, and pushed open his room door.

The first thing he saw, was a sound ninja.

What the hell is he doing in my room?

He was about to tell the ninja to get the fuck out of his room, when he saw what the ninja was holding.

My katana.

What the crap?

This guy had some nerve to think that he could come into HIS room, and start messing with HIS things.

He was about to tell the guy that is he didn't piss off in about four seconds, he was going to shove the katana up his nose, and/or his ass, when Sasuke saw something else.

Willy Wilson.

Okay, this was enough. He had to say something.

"What in the world are you-?!"

And then the ninja plunged the katana through Willy Wilson.

---

Orochimaru was running laps around the kitchen, when he saw Kabuto fall down the stairs.

"LORD OROCHIMARU!"

Ow, that must have hurt.

He would've helped him, but he was too busy trying to figure out how to save his ass. He should've never sent that sound ninja to kill Willy Wilson, because as soon as Sasuke found out, he was going to die.

Kabuto was crawling towards him. "Orochimaru. I'm hurt."

He scowled. "OH BOO HOO! We have worse thing to worry about, Kabuto!"

"Like what?"

Sasuke's screams echoed through the house.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO WILLY?!"

Oh crap. Oh shit. Holy freaking shit.

Orochimaru grabbed Kabuto and dragged him to the door.

"We have to run away Kabuto! Sasuke will kill us! And I'm gonna be the first to go!"

There was another screech.

"NOOOOOOOOOO! WILLY!"

Kabuto tried his best to stand up. "What did you do, My Lord?"

"THERE IS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN!"

Orochimaru pulled Kabuto out the door, and started running around the side of the house. Before they could go far, the sound ninja flew out Sasuke's window and landed in front of them.

Orochimaru lurched back. "GAH!"

Kabuto poked him. "Is he still alive?"

"Do we care?"

Kabuto shrugged. "Not really."

Orochimaru looked up in time to see the whole house shaking. "Oh god..."

"OROCHIMARU! WHERE...ARE...YOU!!"

He let out a girly scream, and started running again.

They had to get away.

A/N: Will Orochimaru and Kabuto be able to escape from the enraged Sasuke? Find out in the next chapter of, Paranoia! Wow, when you say it out loud in a deep narator voice, it sounds AWESOME! 


	4. Chapter 4: TWINKY400

A/N: BEHOLD! CHAPTER FOUR! BOW DOWN TO ITS GREATNESS!

Chapter 4: TWINKY400

It had been two hours since the murder of Willy Wilson was committed.

Sasuke paced in front of the door, wondering if what he did even came close to what they deserved.

Sure he trashed the place, burned Orochimaru's clothes, destroyed his room, and slowly ripped up every board game Orochimaru had, but was it enough?

Ripping up the games were the most enjoyable. He could picture the look on Orochimaru's face when he would walk into the kitchen and see the Game of Life shredded to pieces.

And speaking of pieces, he wouldn't find those until he needed to use the toaster.

Muahaha...

But Sasuke hadn't stopped there. He pawned all of Orochimaru's belongings, (besides the clothes, which were roasting in the back yard) put a very dangerous animal in his bed, ate everything besides some moldy looking ham (At least, it looked like ham...) in the refrigerator, torched the "Cheese is All Around You" store, went door to door telling everyone that Orochimaru was a registered child molester, and sex offender, which caused a lot of the neighborhood to get pissed, so pissed even, that right now they were tagging the house with things like, "Sicko", "Get the hell out of our neighborhood", and many cuss words he had never even knew existed.

He smiled at the thought of Orochimaru getting mobbed when he came back. If he had the guts to come back, that is.

There was a sudden knock on the door.

Sasuke grabbed his katana, and rushed to the door and peeked out of the peephole. One of the people who wanted to mob Orochimaru was standing outside.

"Hey, a guy left this for you."

Sasuke opened the door, and took an envelope from the guy. "Thanks."

Before he could go inside, the guy put his hand on his shoulder. "Listen son, we're going to get that Orochimaru as soon as he comes back. You won't be hurt anymore."

Sasuke tried his best not to fall to the ground laughing. He had almost forgotten that he had told all of the mob people that Orochimaru kept him captive, and used him as a "pawn". (This was technically the truth, but since he had told everyone in the neighborhood that Orochimaru was a sex offender, they had misinterpreted what he meant by pawn )

He put on his most hurt face, and put his face between his hands. "I'm just...so glad that...that...I'm getting help." Many of the women rushed to his side and began to pat him on the back.

"Oh you poor thing..."

Don't laugh, don t laugh.

With a small (fake) sob, Sasuke rushed inside. "I have to make sure the house is clean or he'll beat me!"

Once inside, Sasuke heard the voices of the people outside muttering, "That poor boy," and "We should get that boy out of here."

Sasuke laughed inwardly.

Losers.

Suddenly Sasuke remembered the envelope in his hand. He opened it slowly.

It was a letter, so he read it.

Dear Sasuke,

I miss you lots and lots. I know that you don't miss me. BUT I MISS YOU! Love you forever and ever and ever and ever!

Love, love,  
Itachi

P.S. I'm here...

Sasuke let the letter fall to the ground. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!"

---

The first thing Orochimaru saw when he and Kabuto got back to the house was a group of people holding torches.

What the hell?

"Kabuto..." He asked calmly. "Are these people with the circus?"

Kabuto shrugged. "I don't know. Why don't we go ask them?"

He was about to consider Kabuto's offer when one of the guys standing outside the house pointed at him. He was a plump man who looked like someone he knew...

"THAT'S OROCHIMARU!!"

Everyone outside the house immediately glared at him.

What was going on?

Orochimaru smiled and tried to edge by the people. "Um, I'd like to go into my house now..."

The guy clenched his fist. "I bet you do. I bet you want to make sure the house is clean first right? And then use that poor boy in there? You're sick."

"Huh? What poor boy? Are you talking about Sasuke?"

One of the women stepped forward. "We sure are. You're going to pay for doing those horrible things to that boy!"

What...did...he...do....?!

He quickly shook his head. "No, no, you don't understand. Sasuke is just mad because I killed his only friend in the world!"

And then before he knew it, they were beating the crap out of him.

"You bastard! His only friend he had! How could you!"

One of the women bashed him over the head with a stick.

"HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?!"

Orochimaru struggled underneath all of the insane people. "WHAT LIES DID HE TELL YOU?!"

Before the anyone could answer, Kabuto knocked everyone out. "There you go my Lord."

Jeez, you think he could have done that quicker. Like before the crazy people attacked him.

Orochimaru looked up to the house. "Does that say, "Die you sick Child Molester!"?

Kabuto pushed up his somewhat cracked glasses. "Yes, it does. Oh look, that one is the German word for-"

"SHUT UP KABUTO!"

"Sorry, My Lord..."

Orochimaru popped his knuckles. "Now we have to get to Sasuke before he does anymore damage."

Kabuto smirked. "Should we use plan TWINKY400?"

Blahahaha....

"Yes, Kabuto. We shall...."

A/N: Any idea of what plan TWINKY400 is? Tell me your guesses, and please review. Mmmm....twinkies.... I do own TWINKY400 by the way, and I totally made it up on the spot. That is a benifit of funny stories. You can do anything! R&R! 


	5. Chapter 5: Trashed

A/N: Ugh, FINALLY chapter five is here. I am so sorry for not updating this sooner. But I have been working on like three stories at once, and so yeah, here is Chapter five. Oh and I do not own Naruto. Naruto belongs to Kishimoto-Sensei! Love you! ^_^

---

Chapter 5: Trashed

Sasuke looked out the window to see the entire mob people knocked out.

Hmm. Kabuto and Orochimaru must be back.

After having to calm himself down from reading that letter, Sasuke decided that it was only fair if he were to destroy all of Kabuto's things too so he wouldn't feel left out.

Hahaha...

First, he made sure to crack, smash, and burn every single extra pair of glasses that idiot kept in his drawer. Second, he took his katana and ripped apart Kabuto's favorite stuffed animal (A pink rabbit named Muffin Cakes) and threw the stuffing all around the room. He vaguely wondered why Kabuto named his rabbit Muffin Cakes, but then decided he didn't want to even try and guess. Third, he took all of the bottles of "Come out of the Closet and Reveal your Inner Self" shampoo out of the house and poured them into the toilet.

Sucks for you, Kabuto.

---

Orochimaru slowly opened the door to his house. Well, he tried to open the door to his house, but the door seemed to crumble away when he touched it.

What did Sasuke do?

He had sent Kabuto around the back to begin operation TWINKY400, but they could still communicate because Orochimaru was smart enough to carry around walkie talkies at all times.

He stepped inside his house and gasped. It was a wreck!

The chairs were thrown everywhere; his make-up was spilt all over the floor, and worst of all, his special flat screen TV. was smashed to bits!

Dammit, Sasuke.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!"

He jumped from the sudden sound from his walkie talkie.

"What is it Kabuto?!"

Kabuto was sobbing. "ALL OF MY SHAMPOO IS GONE! EVERY BOTTLE! GONE GONE GONE!"

Well, at least he wasn't the only one being picked on.

"We can buy more of that Kabuto, stay focused. Breathe."

Kabuto took a deep breath. "Alright, alright. I can do this My Lord, don't worry about- GAAAAAAH!!"

Orochimaru jumped again. Man, Kabuto was loud.

"What is it NOW?!"

"MY GLASSES! MY GLASSES! ALL OF MY SPARES! ALL OF MY SPECIAL PERSCRIPTIONS! OH GOD!"

Hmm. Sasuke really knew how to mess with Kabuto.

"Forget about your glasses! STAY FOCUSED!"

Silence over the walkie talkie.

Orochimaru poked it, thinking it might be broken.

"Kabuto? Are you there?"

And then Orochimaru's ear drums shattered.

"MUFFIN CAKES! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

---

Kabuto stared in horror at the pieces of Muffin Cakes on the ground. He couldn't believe little Muffins was dead. He had had that bunny since he was three, and always slept with it next to him.

And Sasuke killed him!

Kabuto began marching up the stairs to Sasuke's room.

He wanted blood.

---

Sasuke heard the scream, and laughed in delight.

That's what you get, Kabuto.

Then he heard footsteps coming up the stairs.

No problem. He grabbed his bat and dashed behind his door, just as it opened.

"Oh, Sasuke?" Kabuto called.

WHAM!

---

Orochimaru knew someone was hurt.

Either Kabuto managed to get Sasuke in a fit of rage, or Sasuke beat the crap out of him.

The second option looked more reasonable.

He peeked into Sasuke's room, and saw nothing.

"Kabuto?" He asked quietly, almost tripping over a bat that was lying in the middle of the floor.

"Ugh..."

Orochimaru jumped at the sound. "Who's there?"

"My...Lord...."

Orochimaru peeked around the door, and saw that Kabuto was hanging from the ceiling with an extremely hideous bump on his head.

"What happened to you? Where is Sasuke?"

Kabuto moaned in pain.

He smacked him, and looked around franticly.

"YOU'RE USELESS KABUTO!"

And suddenly Orochimaru felt like he was being watched. And not by Kabuto, because Kabuto fainted.

He looked up, and saw Sasuke hanging on the ceiling.

"Looking for someone?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!"

He dashed out of the room, and slid down the rail of the stairs, Sasuke not far behind him.

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU FOR WHAT YOU DID TO WILLY WILSON!!"

He dashed out the door and started pumping his legs. Orochimaru hated running. He hadn't ever been that good at it, so he decided that he should try and trick Sasuke.

Only one thing came to his mind.

"HEY SASUKE!"

"WHAT?!"

"ITACHI!"

Sasuke stopped in his tracks and spun around. "WHERE?! WHERE?! I'LL KILL HIM!"

Orochimaru dived behind a trash can.

Hahaha, success goes to me, success goes to me!

"WHERE DID YOU GO OROCHIMARU?!"

Ha. As if he was just going to jump up and say, "Alright Sasuke, here I am!"

And suddenly he heard another voice.

"HEY! YOU'RE THAT CHILD MOLESTER!"

Dammit all.

---

Well let s just say, Kabuto was glad that he wasn't Orochimaru at the moment.

Sasuke had dragged Orochimaru back inside, took him to the top of the stair case, and pushed him down it.

And repeated the process.

"I HATE YOU OROCHIMARU! I HATE YOU!"

"OH GOD KABUTO HELP ME!"

What was HE supposed to do? He was hanging from a freaking ceiling for crying out loud!

Then he heard Orochimaru's scream.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THOSE SCISSORS?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Man, was he glad that Sasuke tied him up.

Kabuto didn't know what really happened after that. He supposed Sasuke took Orochimaru somewhere, because he heard the front door slam, and there was no noise for the longest time.

It was very boring.

Kabuto was in the process of counting the dust particles on Sasuke's drawer for the seventeenth time, when he heard the door open.

Good, he needed to pee.

Sasuke slammed open the door to his room, and Kabuto flew into the wall.

Why did Sasuke have to put him right behind the door?

Sasuke shot him a look.

"In case you're wondering why I put you there, it's because I enjoy knowing that I'll be hitting you with the door every time I come in my room."

Well...

"Where is Orochimaru?" He asked ignoring the pain from being smashed into the wall.

Sasuke ignored him and sat something on his bed. It was a bag from the, "You Know You Want To Buy It, And If You Don't You Will Be Unhappy For The Rest Of Your Life," store.

How they fit that slogan on their bags amazed him.

Sasuke opened the bag, and Kabuto realized it was a brand new wii.

"Did you buy that?"

Sasuke punched him in the knee.

"Quit talking. The sound of your voice annoys the crap out of me. And no, Orochimaru bought it."

"Yeah right. After you threatened him a little."

Suddenly the rope was cut, and Kabuto fell to the ground.

"OW!"

Sasuke kicked him. "Get out of my room. And go tell Orochimaru that my pizza better be ready in ten minutes, or else."

"Orochimaru is alive?"

"GET!"

Kabuto rushed out of the room and down the stairs to see Orochimaru in the kitchen rolling out dough.

"What is that for?"

Orochimaru scowled and turned around.

"For Sasuke's pizza."

Kabuto wanted to scream. Orochimaru looked horrible! His face was bruised, and most of his hair was chopped off.

Orochimaru noticed the way he was looking at him, and covered his head.

"IS IT THAT BAD KABUTO?!"

Hell yes!

"No of course not, my lord. Oh yeah, Sasuke says ten minutes for his pizza."

Orochimaru slammed his fist down on the table.

"Damn him for starting that rumor about me! None of the pizza places will deliver because they all think I'm a sex offender and a child molester! Damn it! I can't make a pizza in ten minutes! He's crazy!"

"Pizza Hut won't come either?"

"NO! NOT EVEN PIZZA HUT! OR BIG LOU'S! CAN YOU FLIPPING BELIEVE IT?! AND THAT IS MY FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT! DAMMIT! DAMMIT! DAMMIT!"

Suddenly the doorbell rang.

Orochimaru gasped and tried to squeeze into a cabinet. "IT MUST BE THE COPS! KABUTO I CAN'T GO BACK THERE! ALL OF THE INMATES THINK I'M PRETTY!"

Kabuto coughed. They wouldn't think that anymore.

Kabuto went to door and opened it to see someone he never thought he would see.

"Why, hello, Deidara."

A/N: OMG! Deidara has made his way into the story! If you do not know who Deidara is, you're very lucky. All you need to know for this story is that he looks like a woman, and says, "Hmmm..." all of the freaking time! (That is true info by the way...) So please R&R and I will be writing chapter 6 soon. Thank you!


	6. Chapter 6: What Lies Beneath

**A/N: So I'm sifting through my computadora and guess what I find? Lonely little Paranoia Chapter Six. Awww... Sorry for the wait, it really has been TOO long... :)**

**Enjoy the funniness.**

**---**

**Chapter Six: What Lies Beneath**

**---**

Sasuke reached for his katana.

It had been ten minutes, and he did not smell any pizza.

_Orochimaru was going to get it._

---

Kabuto stared directly into the eyes (Well, only one eye considering that his left eye was covered with his insanely long bangs) of Deidara.

"Deidara."

Deidara smiled and crossed his arms.

"Weren't expecting me, hmm?"

There was a shout from the kitchen.

"_KILL_THEM KABUTO! DON'T LET THEM TAKE ME BACK TO JAIL!"

Kabuto chuckled and rubbed the back of his head. Deidara peeked around him.

"Uh, My Lord? It isn't the cops. It's Deidara."

"WHO THE _FUCK_ IS THAT?!"

Deidara gaped. "How rude, hmm!"

Kabuto walked into the kitchen with Deidara following him. He sighed when his eyes came upon Orochimaru's foot sticking out of the cabinet; he hadn't been able to fit in all of the way.

He cracked the cabinet door open a little. "You know, the one from the Akatsuki?"

Orochimaru snorted.

"That faggot who always says, "_Hmm_"? Oh yeah I remember him. Tell him to get lost."

Before Kabuto could say a word, Deidara pulled Orochimaru out of the cabinet by his shirt coller.

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU CALLING A FAGGOT, HMM?!"

_**Crap.**_

Deidara glared at Orochimaru with death in his eyes, but then suddenly dropped him, and busted out laughing.

"BLAHAHAHA! WHO DOES YOUR HAIR, HMM?! AHAHAHA!"

Kabuto turned away to hide his smirk.

He was in the process of tuning out Orochimaru's yells and Deidara's guffaws, when he heard stomping coming down the stairs.

Sasuke.

**_Double crap._**

---

Sasuke was pissed.

It sounded like they were throwing a fucking party down there.

Someone (Who's voice he did not recognize) was laughing their ass off.

He deliberately stomped on his way down, just to let anyone who might be listening know how mad he was.

When he got to the bottom of the steps, the first thing his eyes caught was red.

And then black.

He blinked, and realized he was staring at an Akatsuki's uniform.

Akatsuki.

In the house.

He unsheathed his katana.

Bull shit.

---

Orochimaru hated Deidara.

There were no words in the English (Or Japanese for that matter) language that could describe just how much he hated Deidara.

He hated his hair, he hated his attitude, and he hated his so called "art". He despised the fact that his hands had tongues of their own. That was gross. No, that was beyond gross.

If he could find a word that had the mixture of gross, disgusting, repulsive, barf, and yuck in it, that would only begin to explain how Orochimaru felt about that man's hand-mouths.

And then that gay-lord had the nerve to make fun of his hair!

He glared at Kabuto. The jerk had told him that it wasn't that bad.

Note to Self- No more trusting Kabuto.

And suddenly Kabuto turned to him, a terrified look on his face.

"What is it Kabuto?"

Before his question was answered, a loud scream filled the room, and Orochimaru turned to see Sasuke body slam Deidara.

He clapped his hands.

"WOO! GO SASUKE!"

"Where the hell is my brother?!" Sasuke yelled as he grabbed Deidara in a head-lock.

"OH GOD, HMM!"

Orochimaru jumped up and down. "Oh Kabuto this is great, go make some popcorn!"

Kabuto shook his head. "Sasuke threw all of the popcorn away."

_**WHAT?!**_

Suddenly Orochimaru wondered if he still wanted Sasuke to win the fight.

Speaking of Sasuke, he had his katana out and was attempting to chop off Deidara's head, but the blond was squirming.

"You mean Itachi? I don't even like Itachi, I swear, hmm!"

At his brother's name Sasuke dropped Deidara and spun on his heels, katana at the ready.

"ITACHI? WHERE?! I'LL KILL THE BASTARD!"

Deidara tilted his head to one side.

"Huh? What are you talking about, hmm?"

Orochimaru was beginning to grow bored when suddenly he remembered plan TWINKY400. He looked to Kabuto and motioned him closer.

They had to get Sasuke while they still had the chance.

---

Sasuke was about to kill the man with blond hair.

If it wasn't that he was in the Akatsuki, it was that he was so damn annoying! Half of his fucking vocabulary was the word, "Hmm."

He made a move towards him when there was a scream.

"KABUTO! DO IT NOW!"

And suddenly a twinky was being shoved down his throat.

---

"Now let's get you to bed." Orochimaru cajoled softly to the half drugged Uchiha.

Twinkies always made him that way.

"Fuck...you..." Sasuke growled. He sounded like a weakened puppy.

Sadly, Deidara had gotten away safely but he did vow never to take another step inside Orochimaru's house, which was okay.

Orochimaru tucked Sasuke into the big king sized bed the little brat had talked him into buying. Spoiled little Uchiha.

"Now you just go to sleep and Uncle Orochimaru will bring you some Kool-Aid, okay?" He said smiling.

Sasuke thrashed. "IT'S STILL LIGHT OUT SIDE YOU FAGGOT! AND I DON'T WANT ANY FUCKING KOOL-AID!"

"What about some water?" The Sanin asked shoving the Sharingan weilder under the covers.

"YOU CAN SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!"

"Another twinky perhaps?"

"UP YOUR _ASS_!"

"Fine you get nothing."

"_**FUCK YOU**_! I'LL KILL YOU WHEN I WAKE UP!"

Orochimaru sighed. Being a mom was hard. "Well if your going to threaten me, then I will just have to take Willy the Second away from you."

Attitude change.

"No...." He moaned like a child and closed his eyes.

"That's better, now go to sleep." Orochimaru patted him on the head and turned to leave the room.

"I want some Kool-Aid." He called.

"What? But you just said-"

"_I WANT SOME MOTHER FUCKING KOOL-AID, MOTHER FUCKER_!"

Sigh. "What flavor?"

Sasuke snuggled deep into the covers. He looked content and meek. "Cherry please."

Orochimaru nodded and left the room. He growled. What a spoiled little pawn.

---

Kabuto was waiting down stairs when Orochimaru returned from delivering the stupid boy's Kool-Aid.

The powerful Sanin had used a jutsu to restore his beautiful black locks, and frankly, Kabuto was having a hard time turning away from the sight.

"What are you looking at Kabuto?" His Lord asked.

"You...my Lord..."

Orochimaru gave him a wicked grin.

"Oh?"

The Snake Master grabbed him and proceeded to kiss him on the lips.

Once they broke for air Orochimaru began pulling him into another room.

"Sasuke is out cold, let's go do it." He spoke as his kissed him again.

Kabuto smiled. "Anything for you, My Lord."

---

Sasuke was **_NOT_** out cold.

Yet.

"Oh, Kabuto!" Came Orochimaru's voice from downstairs.

_Oh god._

He reached up weakly to grab a pillow and place it over his ears. What, were the walls in this house_ that_ thin?

Oh, that's right. He tore down all of the walls.

And the he heard a squeak as the two homos laid down in bed.

And that's when Sasuke's smiled. And waited.

_**1...2...3...**_

"What in the- _SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEE_!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAH! OH HOLY SHIT!"

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT KABUTO- AGH!"

"AAAAAH! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!"

"EEEEEEEEEEEK!"

"HELP LORD OROCHIMARU! IT'S GOT ME! IT'S _GOT_ ME!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAH! OH GOD IT'S_ EATING_ YOU!"

"AAAAAHAAAAHAAAA!"

Sasuke sighed. He could now drift off to sleep in peace.

Stupid bitches got what they deserved.

**---**

**A/N: Ahahaha, so funny. Please review and tell me what you think. SHOW THE LOVE! :) Oh and the cabinet scene was real. It was inspired by my friend Victoria, whom I was playing hide-and-seek with. Let's just say I heard a lot of scrambling around in the bathroom, and when I opened the door all I saw was her foot sticking out from under the sink, in the cabinet. God, I pissed my pants. You would have too. ;)**


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